I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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