WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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