The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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