Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
