Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
