He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
