I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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