if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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