How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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