you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
