Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Randomize
