I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
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