I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
