im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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