I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
