Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
