How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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