Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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