so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
How naked do you want me to be?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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