I will die if light touches me.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
