Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
