his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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