At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
