so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
