Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
