it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
