Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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