I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
