so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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