I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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