eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
