I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
