i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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