I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Someone came in the potted fern
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
