I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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