thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
