i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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