glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I want to have your abortion
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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