Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize