Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
