Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
