It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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