I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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