Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
