I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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