I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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