I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
