Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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