Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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