Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The struggles of a small town man whore
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