My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
