you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
