Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
