Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
