This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
