I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
