Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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