the new term for farting is butt boxing.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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