is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Is Oprah even human
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
