he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize