I am spending my child support on dildos
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
