it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
